Living with Neurodivergence

I remember my family moving somewhere rural before my 5th birthday. This was the place I was to start school. There was a better school further away but all that was near them was a small school which had more boys than girls. I still had to get the school bus and started in a class of 4 boys and myself. Something just didn’t feel right. We were mixed in with the class above which were mostly boys too but there were a couple of other girls but they were older so they went about together. Sometimes there were some other girls that started in the school but they weren’t there that long. The first girl I was friends with a while was there a while until she had an accident in the playground and hit her head then she didn’t come back. The next was there a while and I used to go to her house for tea sometimes but I wasn’t sure we were really friends as we were just encouraged to play together as we were both girls. The teacher started off okay she taught us all the basic stuff like maths and English. There were some other stuff like the expressive dance she got us to do. The music was quite dark. I knew it was about something. I wasnt sure I liked the way she spoke as it was quite intimidating and I felt scared asking her any questions and we always had to put our hand up first as she didn’t like children speaking. She also made us go up to her and ask please may I go to the toilet if we needed. She wouldn’t accept anything else. I just wanted to ask if I could go to the toilet and not have to say it in a way I wouldn’t speak like normally. There were a couple of occasions I failed to do exactly what she wanted so I was made to stand up against the wall facing it for what felt like an hour. I could hear some other children were bothered by it but she just kept going. Most of the time I tried to do as she asked but sometimes I would answer a question without putting my hand up or I didn’t quite say things the way she had asked. There started to be behaviour in the playground such as groups of kids going around together and excluding other kids. I was quite often excluded from their groups which I didn’t mind if I had a girl friend but that wasn’t always the case. I didn’t like what they were getting up to so I would sometimes say to her when we got in but she said she didn’t like telling tales. I was just telling the truth as I didn’t think they should have been doing what they were doing. I just kept to the people I knew. There was a boy I got on okay with as his mum was a brownie leader and I sometimes attended the brownie club but other kids used to say I fancied him and put his coat in my face so I sometimes just went about by myself.  She was quite into sports and there was a shinty club nearby but she didn’t think I was suitable for it as it was an aggressive sport. Sports days were usually quite fun and she did have a sense of humour because she laughed when I kept running in the 3 legged race, pulling a boy along who had fallen. I felt like he did it deliberately but I apologised.  I sometimes said I had a sore stomach to avoid going in but my dad was strict and if I had a sore stomach I had to stay in bed all day. I now realise it might have been anxiety that was causing it. I was constantly trying to think of ways Not to annoy her or to keep out of her way as much as possible and some of the male workers that went about the school that sometimes used to make faces and things. I know it was intimidation but she just found it funny as I seen her walking away laughing one day. I thought about trying to leave the school, it would have been possible but there was always someone about watching and I didn’t know where I’d go. Some of the other kids had a problem with me calling them by their name, I didn’t know why but I know it was something she was doing or saying to them. I can’t remember any trips during the time I was there, I don’t think she wanted to do any for some reason but there was something to do with the emergency services and we got to see the inside of fire engines and how they operated. She sometimes held me back from breaks a little while to catch up with work. This happened a few times but she could only do it occasionally as I would’ve been distressed and I would’ve shown it as I needed a break outside and my friend wanted me there too. She didn’t always do that much work in these times and quite often would leave me unattended. I caught the chicken pox though and was off a while with that, then shortly after the whooping cough which I wasn’t very well with but at least I got a break from her. We quite often visited my granny who stayed in a housing estate outside edinburgh. It was always good to get away from the place as there was a lot going on sometimes and I just had a good time when I went there as I knew some other kids round there. There were sometimes some church services near where we were. My family weren’t religious but we sometimes went as my teacher would often come in for them. I think she liked that church and me and my sister were encouraged to go to Sunday school, so we went a couple of times until we decided to not go in one day. The woman came looking for us at home and we hid. We didn’t go back after that. There were a few kids in the school that wanted to create a gang they said they were going to smash the greenhouse. They wanted me to throw something but I didn’t want to. Some of them said things about men in the toilets who worked about the school. I said something to her and what she said confirmed it. I was terrified I avoided going to the toilet but one day I had avoided it so long that as I was waiting to be picked up from school I wet myself. I felt it trickling down my tights. I had never felt so humiliated I screamed and a boy in the year above kept asking if I was okay, I couldn’t speak I was too traumatized. One day I forgot to take my packed lunch in but I was too scared to tell her as I knew she would shout at me for forgetting it I just wandered about the playground but then I got upset that no one had noticed I wasn’t there so I went back into the classroom where she was speaking to one of the p7 mentors. I broke down saying I didn’t have lunch and they sorted me out with something but I know the girl influenced it, I was glad she was there. The next few years went on like that, for school plays she always picked other kids until something happened and the head came in and spoke to her. She let me have the lead part in Red Hen where I had to go about saying I would do things all by myself. I really enjoyed it but I knew it wouldn’t happen again for a while. We had an Australian classroom assistant for a while which was good as she couldn’t get around everyone individually to help but after a while she started noticing things wrong in the way she spoke to me and some others. She asked us about her and if she was saying anything she shouldn’t be saying to us when we were out in the playground but she was standing around watching and none of us could really express anything. A while later in the classroom there was an altercation between them and the classroom assistant said she was going to report her to the head teacher. She said good luck with that. He doesn’t know what day of the week it is. She stormed out and didn’t come back. My teacher was clearly agitated and it took her a while to settle down again. She left the classroom at one point but came back in and told us to get on with our work. My sister had joined the school by then but we didn’t really hang around together. There was an incident where she was teaching their class for a year and I was asked by another teacher who we had at that time to take a piece of paperwork to her. I knocked and entered and said where should I put this. She snapped on the window ledge. I walked over and put it on the window ledge, at which point she said that was sarcasm! I was speechless. I was about 7 years old, I didn’t even know what sarcasm was. I left and went back to my classroom. It was almost like she was just waiting for another opportunity to have a go at me. I was embarrassed too as my sister heard it but she liked her and there was no point telling her anything else. One day there was an incident in the playground with some other kids. One boy a year below me who I sometimes had a problem with said something to me and I responded. He didn’t like what I said or was threatened by it in some way. He looked at the other kids and then before I knew it they had all came at me and I was on the floor and they were on top of me. I couldn’t breathe and I said I couldn’t breathe. They got off and she was standing there at the steps of the entrance as it was obviously nearly time to go back in. She told them they couldn’t be doing things like that, almost as if they had gone too far and she knew they were going to do something. I was just really upset and got back inside as soon as possible. Sometimes, out of school I me and my sister would go to Oban with a woman my mum knew. She was the aunty of the school bus driver. She would take us for pancakes and round the shops but my sister didn’t always want to go and decided to stay at home sometimes so I’d go with her. I liked her as she would sometimes joke about how grumpy her nephew was as he wasn’t that friendly to us on the bus. She found it funny that I had asked him if there was a bee trapped on board as there was a funny humming noise on board, and she would ask me about school and things. I liked going into Oban with her and going round the shops and might have told her some things about my teacher. One day the head teacher came into the classroom. I could tell by her expression that she was worried. He said some things to her and then he asked us if we could draw some pictures. He didn’t say what of, I think they were meant to be our choice but when he was gone she strolled round telling us that he wanted to see nice pictures not doomy ones and we were to draw him something nice. I can’t remember what I drew but it was something positive. She was off for a while on maternity leave and I was glad of the break from her but she brought her baby son in to see us, which was quite nice. I thought she would be different when she came back but she just continued. She told me not to look at some of the other kids and implied there was something wrong with me for doing it. I didn’t think I was staring at anyone but I just tried to do as she said.There was also an incident in the canteen a year or so later where I was sitting at a table with a couple of boys, they were playing pranks putting a little bit of salt in people’s drinks, I didn’t do it at first but for some reason I decided to join in. She seen something and I got pulled into the office later and she came down on me like a ton of bricks about how dangerous that was. I felt like I had commited a crime. I mentioned the boys but she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t know if she spoke to them but I know she won’t have came down as heavy on them as she did with me. There was a female replacement head by then but she just backed her up. I don’t know if it was out of fear or what but all the teachers just did. A few years in another girl joined the school, she was from a big family and they stayed on a farm a few miles down the road from us. We became friends and went to each others houses and went about together in school. There was an incident with a boy in my class. He was advanced and did some p7 work and we were only p5 but he got up to things around the playground that weren’t right. He would make fun of me for crying after scraping my knee but one day when I went into the cupboard for the jackets he shut the door and wouldn’t let me out. I started panicking, I didn’t think I was going to get out. I heard my friend shouting to stop and let her out. She was getting upset. Eventually he opened it and we went to report it to the teacher. My friend said she would help but when we did she just said she didn’t like telling tales and she wouldn’t hear it. We were both in shock but I think we both realised what she was. We became inseparable going everywhere together. We only fell out once when she went about with some of the other kids but then decided they were boring. I just forgave her. We were best friends and I knew it wasn’t just because we were the only females. She lived on a farm and we would do stuff on her farm and she had a lot of brothers and sisters. We would sometimes have to include them. We played draughts and other board games and used some big containers to roll down the hill. When she came to mine we went into the woodland and made dens and things and we found a bird nest with eggs in it. One of her little sisters used to come with us but I think she was a little bit jealous of our friendship. It went on like that for about a year and a half, me going to hers and her coming to mine. Sometimes we would have to include our siblings and we bought each other little gifts for Christmas and things. I think my teacher became bothered about our friendship as I sometimes heard her saying there was something I had to do. I didn’t know what she meant or who she meant it about but I became increasingly distracted at my friend’s house. I thought I heard her say it was who I was and I had to do something. Her little sister would sometimes cause them problems, complaining about them to their mother, when she was about but she sometimes wasn’t well and went back to bed. She usually took the baby with her. One day her sister was having a carry on about a sandwich and it being hers and one of her brothers was trying to take it but they didn’t get it off her. I don’t remember why but I just seen an opportunity to do something that my teacher wanted so I got the sandwich from her and wouldn’t give her it back. She became really agitated. I think I eventually returned it but there were some other incidents where I didn’t allow her back over from a ditch. I just blocked her way and didn’t let her down from somewhere she was sitting but I never physically hurt her. It made me feel a bit better about what the woman and other kids were doing as there had been some similar behaviour in the canteen with other kids blocking my way. I got fed up with it though as it stopped feeling good and I just felt guilty as it was my friend’s sister. I was sometimes really nice to her to make up for it. We both knew there was something wrong in school and sometimes there was something between us to do with that. I had a couple of accidents at home like going over on my bike and scraping my face, the next door neighbour came and helped me up, then I was sitting on a wall in the garden and I went backwards and fell into some nettles and at some point I got an infection in my wrist which I had scraped and something must have got into it because it went green. Some of it might have got me an extra day off school. Sometimes my granny took us on holiday to Butlins in Ayr, we would get an apartment and go there for a week. It was during the holidays so no-one could complain. It was a good break and there was loads to do like shows, donkey rides, go-karts, bikes and slot machines and things. I had been to Tenerife when I was 5 but we couldn’t really afford another foreign holiday so she paid for that as often as she could. We would also sometimes go to my dad’s aunties cottage just down the road a bit but it was beside the sea and it was a good break too. She had some good games in the house and we would play on our bikes and things but he would sometimes be obsessive about doing things perfectly like sitting at the table and asking to leave the table, which he wasn’t always like but it was good to get away. At some point my family moved but it was just a different house down the road close to a farmer and his kids. It was like that for a year and a half before my family moved to Edinburgh. I told her we were moving and we agreed to keep in touch. The day we were meant to be moving was chaotic and once we were packed and everything and nearly ready to leave I went outside for a stroll down the path and I noticed the woman that used to take us to Oban sometimes. I wondered what she was doing there but I went over to talk to her. She was acting a bit funny. She said she wanted to ask me something and then went on to say did I want to come with her and that she wasn’t sure my family could look after me. I knew they weren’t perfect and I had told her some things but I didn’t really want to just go anywhere else. I wasn’t sure what she meant as she had family. She was trying to get me to come to the end of the road with her but I said I got to go to my granny’s and things sometimes and she would usually sort things out and I knew she would worry if she didn’t know where I was. I told her no and she said okay but she was nervous about something. My mum and dad came out in the car and noticed something was going on. I got in the car and had to tell them what had just happened. My dad went nuts and put the car into reverse and tried to run her over but she jumped out of the way. I was screaming please don’t run her over! As we left the pathway onto the road there was a black car with some men in it. They were smartly dressed and most cars about the area didn’t look like that. My dad said wtf is that. I don’t know what he was about to do but my mum told him to leave it and just drive. We still had to visit my friend and say goodbye because I’d told her I would. We said our goodbyes and promised we would keep in touch and she ran down the road as our car left the road. That was the last time I seen her again. We wrote letters and exchanges gifts for a while but then it became less frequent and then they stopped.