Living with Neurodivergence

It was back to reality and I was in a completely different town in a different part of Scotland. I kept hearing Glaswegian accents everywhere but it was nice living by the seafront and the room was okay. It was an attic room and part of it the ceiling was really low but it was made up nice and there was a knitted blanket on the bed. There was a nice garden area outside too. It was mostly just where people went to smoke but it was nice to have. I got used to the area and started going for a swim again as I had put on weight. I had lost some through illness but I knew I’d gained some of it back on the holiday. The woman who ran the place was older, she lived somewhere close by and she came round with her husband and did peoples washing as she preferred to do it herself and one of them would bring it back up. She also put food out in the kitchen area sometimes that we could take. It was definitely better than the last place but she did say something about there being cameras about the place. I felt like I was being warned about something but I wasn’t sure what it was. I just realized what kind of place it was. I joined a group at one of the local churches as she told me there was things going on there and a woman that stayed there went too. It was a lunch group and they did different things and classes. I got to know some people there and would see them about sometimes. I had Christmas lunch with them and when I got back to the place there was food left out and for new year too. The guy that had answered the door was who we would go to if we had problems but he had been homeless himself and the woman had helped him with a room and he did some gardening for her. He also worked on the Waverley boat but he was usually around the place at some time. I liked the area and went out sometimes but I didn’t really know anyone except the people at the group. One night I decided to go out. I’d had a few drinks and then I had a few more in a few different pubs. By about 11 I was quite drunk and was saying things to people. I ended up phoning my old boss at the cafe/restaurant to ask her why she didn’t pay me but it didn’t go well and I was told I should go home. I did and swore I’d never drink anything again as I was really Ill but I was just glad I still had somewhere to stay as she did ask me about it but realized I had just had too much to drink. I laid low over the next few weeks just going to the pool and to my group who had asked me if I wanted to do any of the training in food hygiene and things which meant I could volunteer with them. I said yes and it was arranged but then something happened and I got offered a house on one of the islands. I knew it wasn’t ideal but what if I didn’t get anywhere else. It was a bedsit, so I went to see it with my mum. It was basic and it was through the local housing association. The girl showing us said id get moved somewhere bigger after a month. My mum kept saying I could move in with her but I knew what that meant so I accepted it.

I moved there in February 2019 into a bedsit. There was someone who helped me fill in forms to get the right funds for paints and decor etc and she would come and see me sometimes as I said I might need that when I moved but it got too much and I started to feel I didn’t need it so I just didn’t answer her again, but she helped me get some money and told me where I could get second hand things as Rothesay was quite good at recycling and had a shop for it. The bedsit was okay at first and I was paying it up regularly, going into their office and handing it into reception, then I got moved into a bigger place, I needed it as the bedsit was suffocating but the rent was higher and I wasn’t sure the place was a proper housing association. I’d definitely signed a rental agreement and everything but sometimes I just felt I was private renting. My parents came to see me sometimes but I didn’t really know anyone. I’d went out sometimes and spoke to people and I went to the pool occasionally and even joined a Tai chi class but I wasn’t sure it was my thing. I was starting to think maybe I shouldn’t have moved. At least I had some things going on in helensburgh with the group and everything but I didn’t have much of a choice. I’d been advised to take it. I got a job for a short while in a Scottish sweet shop. The guy that ran it paid me cash in hand and at first it was okay. He gave me the keys to open it up some mornings and it would get really busy sometimes, especially during the summer months. I had a bit of a problem with how he counted the cash at the end as it seemed almost backwards but it was how he did it, so I tried. I would pack up sweets and put ribbons on them. It was repetitive but I didn’t mind it. Eventually though he was asking me to cover shifts that I wasn’t sure I could do so that he could do private events at big days out. I did one or two shifts but then I cancelled one and he didn’t ask me back. The months went by and I knew it wasn’t for me. I was 38 and I knew I would have to do something soon. I had been moved to an island where I didn’t know anyone and I felt like I was being isolated and pulled away from any social contact, which I knew I needed. I had even woke up feeling panicked about my situation and didn’t want to be 40 before I even tried leaving. I had done everything I could.

I didn’t know where I’d go. They all knew each other from school or other social places and I didn’t feel part of it. There were some funny comments made to me and I knew I had come across some of them before and I knew from where. There was one day I was walking along about to go into the shop and I heard 2 men talking behind me, one of them said something about the nutter in front.  I knew I wasn’t a nutter but it was definitely me he was talking about. I just kept walking. I had no idea what it was about. All I had done was tried somewhere else to live in the country which I was born. Another time I went into the shop and the guy told me someone in my stairwell had used my door number to tell him where she lived. She lived above me so she would have known it wasn’t my door she lived at. I knew it was the same girl that made all the noise coming up the stairs with some guys and one of them had opened up my gas box for some reason. I also got involved with the local voluntary team as they helped when there was flooding and things and I thought it sounded like a good thing to do and it would help me meet people, so I went to meet the woman in her house and she told me a bit about it. I went to visit my family a few weeks later and she kept messaging saying I had to tell her if I left the island, apparently so they knew where everyone was. It didn’t sound quite right to me and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of that, I think I had already decided but I had to think about it a bit.  I messaged her back and told her I would just leave it. She said that was fine and she would burn my information. It sounded a bit threatening. I wasn’t sure she needed to burn anything but I just ended the conversation and had a few days away. I had handed my CV about but I knew I couldn’t stay there. I went on a bus tour one day as I thought I might as well as I wasn’t much more than a tourist. I started planning my escape. I thought Belfast as it was just over the water. I couldn’t go back east and I didn’t know where else to go but I knew it had problems. I even had a dream one night where I was sitting waiting to board the bus but I couldn’t get on it, but I did get on it after one failed attempt where I made it to Ayr but I couldn’t get my card to work for the tickets, I had to go home, make a phonecall and wait another 2 weeks to get paid again. I didn’t go out much as I didn’t want anyone getting onto what I was about to do. When the day came again i was more organized and left early, got the little ferry over as the big one was out of operation. I booked myself into a hostel in Belfast for 2 nights, that would give me time to think. I had some things I was going to try while over there but it was a massive risk. I got over but had a while to wait for the bus. I went into the little cafe and had a cup of tea and something to eat. I remember talking to one of my friends from Dunbar online then I waited for the bus, I could see the next ferry approaching but I got on it and headed for Ayr. I had to spend hours in Ayr and went to wetherspoons for a while, then I walked around a bit then went in somewhere for a hot chocolate. It was quite a posh place and I remember feeling a little bit panicked for some reason but I held my nerve and headed for the bus to the port. I realized later I had left pat of a half a bottle of vodka in the toilets but I wasn’t bothered. I got to the port and got on the ferry with no problems. I was leaving Britain behind and heading to Ireland.