Living with Neurodivergence

I stayed in the flat with my cousin for almost a year, when she decided she didn’t want to live in Edinburgh anymore and went back up north to finish her studies. She was having some problems and told me I could stay there with the guy if I wanted but I decided I didn’t want to live there alone with him as I knew he would probably get another guy in and I would be outnumbered, so I was back to looking for accomodation again! There was someone who I knew from where my parents lived and worked. They knew her parents. She was a bit younger than me at 20 but we got on ok and her mum had a flat she was renting out. It was close to where I lived before and I was a bit worried about seeing the guy from the place before and there was another woman we had to share with but the other place we seen was too small we both agreed. So I moved yet again. The flat was nice but the woman staying there was a bit older and she worked and came home to cook nice dinners, so there was some obvious differences but there was plenty of space for studying and things. My course was getting a bit heavy and there were more assignments and presentations to do which were causing tension between certain people in the course. I was getting worse with anxiety and was feeling panicky going in to the campus and meeting people. I wasn’t sleeping sometimes either so I went to my doctor’s and got prescribed some anti anxiety medication and he gave me some hypnotherapy/relaxation CDs because that’s what he specialized in. I tried them and they seemed to help for a while. I took the meds too but I didn’t really like how they felt as they stopped me feeling something. I got through the next few months and me and my flatmate even took a road trip to England because we had both been paid and we’re bored. We went through Berwick upon tweed  then Newcastle, Birmingham and Manchester and stayed in travel lodges and visited the gay village. It was a fun few days and I was amazed nothing happened but I came back feeling a bit better but I was struggling with the workload of my course and keeping up with it and ended up getting an appointment with the educational psychologist, although I don’t remember how it happened. That’s when I got diagnosed with dyslexia mainly dyspraxia and dyscalculia, causing problems with coordination and spacial awareness and numbers. It was a relief to know there was a reason I was struggling but I also got referred to see a counsellor but I couldn’t really talk to her about anything that had happened. I didn’t know her and it was too difficult. She did help me getting help with a fund for people with learning conditions and I got some extra time if I needed it and a laptop and coloured sheets to help with studying, I think it was to do with perception and how people with dyspraxia see things and it’s easier with coloured sheets. It all helped a bit but I knew other people knew something was going on and some of them were being funny with me and not really including me that much in things and knowing when things were going on and there was a meeting I nearly missed as I wasn’t told. I had to get in touch with a lecturer and they informed me there was something I still had to do. I got it done but it was really stressful at the last minute and I know it all had an effect on me. One night me and my flatmate decided to go out. I needed it as of all the studying I was doing and needed to let my hair down a bit. We just went to one of the usual clubs we went to and it was a weekday so it wasn’t that busy. We had a few drinks and danced a bit then a guy came in and offered to buy us drinks. I was nervous because of what happened before but didn’t want to be that way. We were watching him and don’t think he did anything to the drinks. It was a green absynth based drink and we both drank it. I remember feeling quite calm and almost floaty for a while and then i got up to use the toilet and I had to turn around and go back to my seat. I tried to undo my boot as it felt really tight and then I shouted for someone to get me water as I felt really unwell. The barstaff came over looking really concerned and gave me a glass of water. I drank it but it was lukewarm and I started to feel my throat tingling and I didnt feel I was breathing normally. There felt like there was something jaggy in my stomach and I wondered if I had swallowed something sharp then I collapsed and seen people standing round me. Something made me jump up by holding onto one of the table legs and I sat back on the seat but my heart was pumping out of my chest and I thought I was going to die. I felt paralysed and put myself in the corner of the booth and refused to move. Eventually security had to take me by the arms and get me to a private room but it was see through  and I had collapsed again on the way but people were standing trying to see in and banging on the glass. The bouncer scared them off and asked me if I needed water or to go to hospital but my breathing had returned and I didn’t want to so they just got us a taxi and we went home. My flatmate made me a cup of tea and I went to bed. The next day I was bringing up green stuff and I’m sure I had an extreme allergic reaction to something in that drink. I’ve never drank anything like it again.  We even had a joke about it the next day and I went into class as usual but I think I was probably behaving funny as I was getting some strange reactions from people. Thankfully to the support from the university because of my diagnoses I got through the rest of my course and only had to ask for an extension a couple of times but I did try to take it easy because of what happened in the club so I  didn’t work much at the call centre. Funds were a bit tight and I got behind with the rent which the landlord wasn’t happy about and shouted at me over the phone

I knew it was my own fault but I was trying to juggle everything and just didn’t have it all sometimes. I got through the rest of the year. Some of my friends decided they didn’t want to go on to do honours but I thought well I’ve got this far, why not continue, so I decided I would do the final year. I’d just use the break to work and get some money together. That was the plan anyway.